


Ash and Burnt Hotdogs

by Bluebird_Rose



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Biting, Blood, Dark Comedy, Fenris is also here, Happy Ending, Hiker Thor, Loki is very feral, M/M, Nature Spirit Snake Aspect Loki, Thor is a good boy who loves his mother and doesn't cuss, Thor is both a himbo and a U-haul lesbian, and also rails nature spirits on the weekends, disgusting hotdog behaviors, eating ticks, minor injury, ticks (the insect), visits to mom's house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:01:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27480889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluebird_Rose/pseuds/Bluebird_Rose
Summary: Thor has decided he needs to develop hobbies, so he takes up hiking. He promptly gets lost, stumbles into a mysterious circle, and eats an inadvisable amount of hot dogs.It's just his luck he decided to do all of this in Loki’s woods.aka Eat, Howl, Fuckaka Teeth as a Metaphor for Loveaka Don't Fuck Inhuman Creatures you Find in the Woods, It Will Not End as Well for You as it Does in this Story
Relationships: Loki/Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 95
Kudos: 78
Collections: Best Thorkis





	1. I AM SO GOOD AT WOODS

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to the egg chat for all the suggestions for titles, and for yelling with me and encouraging me with all your support when this story was just a shitpost dialogue only blurb in the chat
> 
> this story is complete, posting a chapter a day until the final day when i will post the last chapter + epilogue

“Aw, beans.”

Thor looked down to where he had dropped another one of his hot dogs into the dirt and ash of the campfire, then gave an optimistic shrug. This hadn’t negatively affected the flavor of the last two dogs that had met with a similar fate, and a bit of charcoal was probably good for your health if the activated charcoal advertisements in the window of the juicery near his apartment could be trusted. It probably had at least one nutrient or something in it. He picked up the dog from the edge of the ashes, levering it onto a slice of bread while only burning his fingers a little in the process. He topped it with a dollop of yellow mustard from the squeeze bottle at his side, rolled it up into what could charitably be called a bun shape, and crammed it into his maw. Another smear of mustard joined the ones already ringing his mouth as he chewed and swallowed his creation. Here he was - really doing it! Living the Woodsman Life in the Great Outdoors. 

He had started out his morning from the disused parking lot at the entrance to the local state park, dressed in his best recently purchased Hiking Outfit. His boots were sturdy, his socks were long, his shorts were short, his windbreaker had been purchased by his mother, his neckerchief was roguish, and his hat was bucket-shaped. He was ready to take on the wilds.

He had marked out a nice long hike in pencil on the map tucked into his back pocket, pulling it out from time to time to consult as he made his way into the woods. He had always imagined going on long weekend heights with - well he wasn’t going to think about that now. He was in the woods! Achieving a goal! Feeling his considerable muscles burn lightly with the exertion of walking a poorly defined trail! Discovering a Stick of Adequate Sturdiness and Height to be a Walking Stick and bringing it along on his adventure! Occasionally diverting from the trail as he found a cool mushroom or stone or lizard he wanted to take a photo of! Look at this weird bug! He will not touch it but he will observe. Smelling the fresh air of the great outdoors! Somehow it doesn’t seem as fresh as he expected (not at all like his Fresh Meadows fabric softener, more like wet leafs and dirt), but despite the failure of the Special Woods Scent to meet his expectations, he was doing it!!! Woods!!!

Soon after he finished off his first canteen of water he began to feel the call of nature in a different way. Many of the websites he had visited spoke highly of the manly joy of pissing on a tree, how it made the writers feel at one with their ancient ancestors (as long as they avoided the splashback as sweat-wicking socks were quite good at wicking other liquids as well). Still, it felt rude to use a tree that lined the scraggly trail. What if other people came by? What if they found his piss puddle? What if they thought he was a rude woodsman, pissing on a Common Tree that is there to guide visitors and be admired for its sturdy structure, instead of a hidden tree appropriate for such private activities?

Well that settled it. He set off into the woods at an angle to the trail, keeping himself situated by turning completely around and glancing back in that direction constantly. He found a good tree a couple of minutes into his walk, a small one surrounded by larger, sturdier trees. His visit might even do it a bit of good - it couldn’t be easy to get enough water to grow tall with these larger fellows around.

After he shook off and zipped up he gave his little tree a pat of encouragement, then started retracing his steps to return to the trail. It seemed to take a lot longer to return than it had taken to find his tree, but this bit of moss and that stick looked familiar so he was certainly going in the right direction. After another couple minutes of walking, just as he was starting to feel a slight twinge of nervousness, he stumbled onto the trail again. This part of the trail was much narrower, overgrown, and somehow darker than the previous part of the trail he had been walking, but there was a clear path and he felt a rush of relief. Not that he had been nervous! It was just good to be making good time again.

He pulled out his map and compass to double check his current location. When he opened the lid to his compass he found the needle was whirring wildly around the central hub like the blades on an electric fan, making a quiet screaming sound from the speed. Hmm. Weird. He carefully closed it and tucked it away in his pack. Looking at the paper map, then flipping it the right direction when he realized all the labels were upside-down, he could see that he had clearly taken a shortcut through this little switchback on the trail, so now he was… here! If he kept following the trail this way he should reach the campsite in another hour or so. Perfect!

Six hours later as it began to grow dark he finally reached his campsite. Sure, after his bathroom break the trail had not exactly followed the shape marked out on his map at all, and lack of signage or promised RV hookup facilities made him about 25% sure the clearing he was currently camped in was not Sunny Pines Family-Friendly Recreational Camp Site B, but he had found a campsite and that was what mattered. He had set up his tent (it was technically freestanding and had A Number of sides so he was counting it as a win), built a fire (strangely the clearing he had found had been free of almost all plant growth other than a short cropped patch of grass scattered with mushrooms arranged in delicate rings, so he had to roam a bit to collect enough fallen branches but it worked in the end), and he was eating hotdogs he had roasted over the fire (they may have been half raw and half blackened because when he got the roasting sticks too close to the fire they tended to catch fire themselves so he had to kind of precariously dangle the dog over the fire, but they were fully edible). He was doing so well!

As he settled by the fire, he found himself thinking that it would have been nice to hike with… not alone. After the recent Dark Times he had been taking some time to work on himself, tired of sitting alone in his empty apartment. He was developing hobbies that befit a grown adult such as weekend woods walking and artistic pursuits. Somehow he hadn’t realized that so many of their fun weekend activities had not actually been planned by him, that so much of the warmth that filled their little place had come from the little songs and quiet mumblings that used to fill the air, or that so much of the apartment had not actually been decorated with his things (even all the fiddly little cat figurines that he sometimes broke when he got excited and clumsy had somehow felt like his friends). 

He pulled his roguish kerchief from around his neck and used it to wipe most of the mustard from his face, gazing into the fire and thinking of nothing at all. He had heard cracking branches and strange animal-like shrieks coming from the depths of the woods earlier, but that was probably just how woods were. All sorts of creatures roaming about, looking for berries and nuts as they lived their woodland lives. Occasionally he caught a bit of movement out of the corner of his eye, or a flash of the shine off a pair of eyes reflecting the firelight, or an almost inaudible whisper promising him that his skin would be flayed from his body bit by bit like string cheese, but the woods were a weird and wild place and stuff like that was probably normal. Any anxiety was most likely his budding Woodsman Instincts kicking in. They would probably throw off all kinds of false signals until they were properly calibrated.

But! Here he is! The local state park, full of hotdogs and warming himself in front of a fire he built himself! Walking stick! Hat! Leaf smell, now with added campfire! Full of hotdogs and satisfied. It was almost enough to make a man want to whittle.

He reached by his side and scrunched up the plastic baggie that had held his sliced bread to put it carefully back into his pack, next to his socks and shoes (best to let his feet air out and avoid trench foot). If he knew anything about the woods (and he knew a lot about the woods, his three hour wikipedia spiral had thoroughly educated him) he knew that all True Woodsmen left nothing behind but footprints and took nothing away but memories. A plastic bag that once held half a loaf of Sara Lee Sliced Classic White Bread™ was not a footprint, so into the pack it went, nested alongside his sleeping bag, extra packs of hotdogs, sandwich baggie half full of loose jerky and trail mix, Red Cross Portable First Aid Kit, his compass, a backup Hiking Outfit, a paper map with his planned route sketched out in pencil (including many smeary eraser marks he had made as he adjusted his route to adapt to the changing conditions this afternoon), a guidebook to local edible plants and berries, a Multipurpose Pocket Knife with 33 attachments including magnifying glass and toothpick, two canteens (one full one empty), and his bucket hat.

He pulled out his pocket knife and one of the shorter branches he had set aside to feed the fire. He gave it a quick once over, then snapped off the last 8 or so inches of the branch to be his canvas. What should he make? He examined the snapped off bit. All true artists, he knew, saw the living creature in the wood and set it free with their carving. What did he see? Well. It certainly looked very stick-like. Very noodly. Wiggly. Sinuous. He heard an answering hiss from the dark of the woods behind him. A snake it was!

He carefully used the Long Blade attachment on his knife to peel the bark and knobbly bits from the end of the branch, then started whittling away bits to form the head of the snake. He carved out a couple of crude circles for eyes, a slash across the end for a snaky smile, and some rough scratches at the body to hint at scales Going pretty well! He looked at the face again. The smile was very charming, but the blank eyes were off-putting. Pupils! It needed cool snake pupils. He stabbed at the left eye with the point of his knife to form a slitted pupil, missed, and stabbed himself right in the meat of his thumb. 

He screamed a very manly scream and dropped the snake on the ground between his feet. Oh beans oh beans oh beans. His blood quickly flowed over his hand and dripped onto his little snake and the forest floor, staining the white of the raw wood. He dug around in his pack and pulled a roll of gauze out of his first aid kit, wrapping it around his poor thumb and holding it above his heart to slow the bleeding just like the Youtube video on woods first aid had shown him.

“Sacrifice accepted,” whispered a sibilant voice to his left. 

Thor whirled around and saw a man, pale skin reflecting the warm light of the fire. And what a lot of skin it was - the man was dressed only in a short leather skirt, and his long, lean torso was smeared artistically with dirt and ash. His skin was pale as milk, and the ash highlighted his sharp bone structure and cute, pert nipples. A huge black wolf stood at his side, tall enough to pass as a horse in dimmer light.

“...hey?” said Thor, intelligently.

“I have accepted your sacrifice,” the man hissed again, a bit impatiently. “Take your cock out, let us consummate our bond.”

“Sacrifice?” asked Thor, doing his best to keep up.

The man looked at him as if he was an idiot. But then again, people often looked at Thor like that. “You came to the circle. You built a fire. You offered meat. You carved a… crude image of my likeness. You spilled your blood on the image, and on the ground. You have fulfilled all the steps of the ritual, save the last.”

“...is that a wolf?” asked Thor, distractedly.

“This is my son.”

“Can wolfs eat hotdogs?”

“No.”

They stared at each other a little longer, at an impasse.

“I have accepted your sacrifice,” the man hissed, slowly and clearly. “You belong to me until the sun sings her morning song and calls you away from this realm. Once we consummate our bond the ritual will be complete. What is the boon you ask?”

“Look, I’m sorry I interrupted your woods activities, but I think my mind has gone blank from horny terror,” said Thor. “I can’t think of a request I have right now. Also I’m sorry I stared at your nipples for so long in front of your son, I shouldn’t objectify you like that. You’re probably just like, minding your own business out here, being some kind of snake slash woods nature spirit and hiking and doing family bonding with your son and here I am, ogling.”

The man gave a sigh and wiped his hands over his face, gathering his patience. “Look, what is your name.”

“Thor.”

“Thor. Would you like to fuck, or what?”

“If we, uh, do that will you spirit me away to your realm forever, never able to return to the real world, lost forever on the other side?”

“No.”

“Aw, really?”

“Well I could-.”

“No, no, you don’t have to,” Thor said reassuringly. “We could still make love though, if you want to. Uhh, but, what about your son?”

“He is accustomed to my couplings.”

“Oh, gosh. That’s, huh.”

“What.”

“Nothing.” Thor said, nervously. “So uh, how do you want to do this?”

“You will remove your clothing, and we will both lie bare beneath the bright and feral moon. I will ride you like a beast possessed, and the stars will look down, and see that it is good. If you please me, and if your feeble shell survives the experience, I will grant you a boon.”

“Well, alright, sounds good.” Thor reached down and quickly started unzipping his windbreaker, but it got caught and jammed. “Aw beans, the zipper’s stuck.”

A gentle “shick” sound was the only warning Thor had before the creature summoned a blade of darkest obsidian, cutting open his windbreaker and the Ponchatoula Strawberry Festival 2007 tee shirt underneath in one wide slash.

“Oh,” Thor said sadly.

“What?”

“No, it’s nothing. It’s just, my mom bought me that windbreaker, so I wouldn’t get chilly on my hikes.” When that statement was met with nothing but silence, Thor started working on the zipper of his shorts. He peeled them off along with his underwear, folded them both up neatly, then glanced at the wolf. He held them in front of his groin protectively.

Loki squatted down and stared directly at Thor’s groin, barely shielded by the folded clothing.

“Why is your cock not hard.”

“Uhh, it’s kind of chilly out here,” Thor said sheepishly. He turned away to lay the folded clothes on the ground. Hopefully they wouldn’t get too dirty. “Also, it takes a little bit of time to get in the mood. Can we try kissing a little bit?”

“That is the boon you ask? A kiss?” 

“Yes, please.”

The man unfolded from his squat and approached him, beautiful in the light and shadows cast by the fire. From this close he could see the man’s skin was lightly patterned under the dirt and ash with almost invisible silvery scars reminiscent of snake scales. He had long, dark, slightly curly hair, and Thor could see snail shells and the skulls of small animals woven into it. As he drew even closer, Thor saw that the man’s pupils were not rounded like human ones, but slitted like a snake, a bright green of new grass that seemed to reflect the light of the fire. The man was slightly shorter than him, and as they grew close enough to touch the man reached up and wrapped a hand in Thor’s shoulder-length hair, pulling him close. Thor felt puffs of the man’s breath on his mouth, strangely cool, as he leaned in closer and closer. Thor closed his eyes and puckered up, suddenly nervous.

The man bit him directly on the mouth.

“HEY!!” Thor yelped, jumping back.

Loki licked a bit of Thor’s blood away from his lips. “Your blood tastes good. You have a pure heart.”

“That is nice of you to say, but you should ask before trying rough stuff,” Thor pouted.

The man paused for a moment. “May I bite you savagely as I ride you beneath the light of the moon?”

Thor considered this. “Okay, but don’t bite my nipples. They’re sensitive.”

They moved together as one, running their hands over each other’s bodies, exploring. The man’s body was cool to the touch, and Thor found the silvery scars were slightly raised, lending a pleasant texture to his skin. Their lips touched again, gentler this time, and Thor ran his tongue tentatively over the man’s teeth. His canines were very pointed and very sharp, so Thor did his best to avoid those. The man took a while to lick the blood from Thor’s lips where he had bitten it earlier, topping them with one final apologetic nip. They pulled apart, panting.

“Smear yourself with this ash,” the man urged, holding up a palmful of silvery dirt.

“Is that for some kind of ritual or something?”

“No.”

“...somehow that answer is worse.” said Thor, but he gamely smeared himself with the ash nonetheless. He tried to do artistic patterns that mirrored the man’s, but he ended up just looking like he had battled with a clogged vacuum and lost.

“Your nipples too.”

Thor gave him a dubious look, but complied.

The man surged forward, kissing him even more passionately. He pulled the man against him and ran his large hands all over his back and sides, feeling the strength of the lithe muscles beneath the skin. Thankfully not-so-little Thor had finally arrived to the party, even if he was kind of hovering in the doorway with pre-party jitters.

He glanced toward the fire and paused, hands frozen on the man’s back, mouth half-open in an aborted kiss. “Does your son have to like, stare like that? Observe for some eldritch reason?”

“No.”

“...somehow that answer is worse,” said Thor. He tried to keep making out, but the wolf just kept staring. Thor reached out one long leg and kicked over his pack, spilling out the packages of hotdogs that lay on top. The wolf gave them an interested sniff and started chewing at the packages, leisurely freeing the dogs and eating them one at a time.

“Enough stalling.” In one swift move the man grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back, dumping Thor on the ground. He leapt and landed on top of Thor’s strong thighs, grabbing his cock and working him to full hardness.

“Hey!” objected Thor.

“What?”

“You didn’t have to push me,” Thor said, feelings hurt.

The man slowed down his frantic jacking to a gentle pull, but he didn’t stop. He stared at Thor for a long moment.

“I apologize,” he said finally.

“It’s ok,” Thor reassured him. “Just, be gentle.” He lay back and assessed. The grass and moss was cool and soft against his back, and he felt himself relax a bit more.

The man seemed to take this as some kind of sign, and renewed his frantic working of Thor’s cock. Thor twitched a little with the rough handling, and the man seemed to notice his discomfort. A cool wetness splattered against him and he looked down to see a viscous fluid dripping from the tips of the man’s fangs onto his cock, the glide suddenly becoming smoother. Thor felt himself growing harder, pulsing in the man’s hand. When he seemed to finally be satisfied with the firmness of Thor’s cock he leaned forward, clawed hands on Thor’s pecs, and dropped down in one smooth glide.

“Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow,” Thor moaned in appreciation.

The man rode him powerfully, hands pressing and kneading at Thor’s pecs keeping him pinned to the forest floor. Thor gingerly smoothed his hands up the man’s trim waist, trying not to come instantly from the strength of the warm channel wrapped around him, but one fierce glare made him return his hands to his side. He tried his best to anticipate the man’s wild movements and maintain a rhythm. One deep thrust at a particular angle made the man throw his head back and give an inhuman shriek to the moon above, so Thor figured he was on the right track. He kept up the pace and the man kept shrieking, letting out the occasional moans and murmurings in an ancient language that echoed through Thor’s bones.

Thor glanced to the side and almost lost his rhythm as he saw the wolf using its long tongue to sloppily lick the remaining juices from the plastic of a hot dog package, but he put that out of his mind and focused on pleasing the creature riding him.

The man leaned down, long dark hair forming a curtain around Thor’s head. He licked and bit wildly at Thor’s mouth, and Thor did his best to hold on. The kisses trailed down Thor’s neck to the yoke of his shoulders, and the man gave him a teasing nip before soothing the skin with his long, oh wow, forked tongue. He gave several other teasing nips to Thor’s shoulders before choosing a particularly meaty spot to latch on and bite. Thor was too far gone at this point to feel the pain, and the man gave a satisfied smirk before peppering his shoulders and neck with deep, bruising bite marks. Thor moaned with each one, struggling to keep his hands by his side.

The man made his way back to his mouth and gave Thor a deep kiss, running his claws through Thor’s hair and tickling his soft palate with the tip of his forked tongue, and Thor was gone. He let out a deep growl and dug his fingers into the soft earth to avoid grabbing the man as he came inside of him, pulse after pulse milked from him in a sudden vise grip. Thor felt the wetness of the man’s own release splatter his soft tummy and savored the messy feel. He gave a satisfied moan and wiggled into the soft earth, feeling suddenly drained. They lay there for a moment, pressed together, the warmth of the fire and the light of the moon bathing them in the sudden silence. After a few minutes he felt himself slip from the man’s hole in a wet slide, and the man gave his side a satisfied pat.

“Good job, mortal.” 

Thor was already asleep.

\---------------- 

When he awoke to a burning shaft of bright sunlight hitting him right in the eye, he found himself alone in the clearing. He was covered with a carpet of fallen leaves and growing vines, warm and soft and protective. He brushed the fallen leaves away and carefully untangled himself from the vines, not wanting to bruise the tender green shoots.

A quick glance around the clearing revealed no sign of last night’s visitor, save for the three empty hot dog packages laid neatly beside him, peppered with bite marks. He heaved himself up from the ground and gave a mighty stretch, noticing that he had somehow been cleaned of all the various fluids and ash that had stained his skin last night, though he was still covered in bruised bite marks. Perhaps it had somehow evaporated from his skin before he awoke, like morning dew? That was a much more comforting thought than the idea that he had somehow been washed and scrubbed very thoroughly in his sleep by an army of mice or something.

He made his way over to his shorts and underwear, still folded neatly where he had laid them last night. However, there was one addition - a bright white moonflower (thank you Audubon Field Guide to Flowers and Fruiting Plants) lay atop his clothes, a scrap of parchment folded neatly underneath. He pulled his shorts on first, modestly, then unfolded the thin piece of parchment revealing a short note scratched out in a spidery, jagged hand:

Thor,  
I had a nice time last night. If you wanna fuck again, just come to this circle and yell and I will hear you eventually.  
-Loki☆  
P.S. - Fenris thanks you for the hotdogs.

“Loki,” Thor whispered in a worshipful tone. Aw beans. He was in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is Thor's lil whittled snake  
> good job Thor, great offering


	2. INTERLOPERS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is folks: the tick chapter☆

The next weekend found Thor again at the disused parking lot at the entrance to the state park. He was wearing his best button down shirt and his nicest pair of hiking shorts, he had combed and styled his hair with the silicone spray his mom bought him for Christmas (though he still wore his bucket hat - sunburns took no pity even on those in love), and he had a clip-on tie rolled up in the mini pocket of his pack. He was ready to woo.

He still had Loki’s note tucked away in the same mini pocket as his tie, for good luck. By now he had gazed longingly at it so many times he had it all but memorized. All he had to do was find the same circle as before and yell for an undetermined amount of time until he had proven himself enough for Loki to appear, then they would talk some more and Loki would agree to date him and they could ki-kiss, and cuddle, and Thor would quit his job and purchase a travel camper and move to the woods and they would live happily ever after.

Only one problem remained - he wasn’t exactly sure how to find his way to the circle where they had made love. He had managed to find his way out of the woods last time by following the trail of soft iridescent, blood-red mushrooms that led from the circle to the parking lot, but they had withered away to ash as soon as he set foot on the asphalt of the lot. A quick glance around today showed a disappointing lack of cheery fungi pals to helpfully point the way. Oh well - he would be fine! He had found the circle the first time all on his own, after all. And this time he had a secret weapon - the power of love. All he had to do was follow his heart and do the exact same things as he had last time and he would find his way back to the circle! Easy peasy.

He set off down the trail, carefully sipping from his canteen every few minutes just like last week. He finished off the canteen around the third big wiggly bit, just like last week. Alright! He kept walking. Was this where he had started to feel the call of nature last time? Or was it a little further along? Now that he was focusing on it he couldn’t tell if he actually had to go, or if he was just tricking himself into thinking he did. He had always had a shy bladder, and now it seemed like it was being bashful even to his own internal perceptions. Surely he hadn’t gone any further than this last time? No, the warm pulse of love in his heart told him he was right - this was the place where he had left the trail in search of his little tree friend. He pulled up his long socks, reseated his bucket hat firmly on his head, and set off into the brush.

\---------------- 

Thor had wandered around for about three hours before he was forced to admit he had no idea how to find Loki or the circle, and the power of love was doing nothing to help him. His little tree friend was nowhere to be found - he hoped it had not succumbed to the bullying of the larger trees already. He also hadn’t been able to find the trail, the switchback to the circle, or any empty hotdog packages that might indicate Loki’s son had been around. He had tried yelling for Loki, howling for Fenris, and even pissing on a tree or two in hopes of jogging his memory. But it was time to face facts: he was utterly alone in the woods and his nicely smoothed hair had probably gone all frizzy and he would never be able to properly woo Loki and he would have to live in his little apartment all alone forever with only the memory of their one coupling to keep him warm on cold and lonely nights.

He sat down on a fallen tree and tried to regroup. He carefully examined his options, comparing the pros and cons, before setting on a plan of action: “Have a Good Lonely, Lovesick Cry” it was. When his sobs finally died out and he was left feeling like a wrung-out dish rag he found himself staring at his own knobbly knees in despair. He had felt so optimistic when he had bought this outfit - the flannel pattern of the button down gave him Woods Confidence, the shortness of the shorts gave him the maneuverability he needed for trekking over rough terrain, and the combination of the two gave him “a slutty lumberjack look that was going to knock the socks off of anyone with eyes,” according to the sales associate who had spent a long couple of hours helping him shop. Sigh. It seemed he was starting to get cute freckles dotting his knees and thighs, at least. This constellation of marks even kind of looked like a smiley face, with the big wiggly one lending it a slightly manic air.

Wait a second.

Big wiggly one?

He instantly flashed back to the TIck Management Handbook he had received from the helpful sales associates in a horrifying slow-mo sequence.

_“Adult American dog ticks are reddish brown in color with silvery-gray or whitish markings on the back or upper body. The ornate marking is on the scutum of the female, which on the male, extends over the entire back. Female ticks increase dramatically in size as they obtain their blood meal from a host animal. Fully engorged females may reach a half inch in length and resemble a dark pinto bean. (1)”_

He gave a mighty shriek and tried to flick the tick from his leg, only to find it was too late - it had already latched on. “Ew ew ew,” he scream-murmured, using all his mental strength to recall the directions from the handbook. He grabbed the tick close to his skin and gave it a firm pull, quietly screaming the whole time, and yes! It was out! He threw it as far away as he could, then spent a good 20 seconds frantically rubbing his hands on his shorts to cleanse them of the sense-memory of touching it.

“You’re back,” came a whispery voice from his left. 

Thor whirled around to find Loki standing next to his fallen tree, looking cool and collected and even more beautiful in the diffused light of the forest than he had in the firelight.

“You have spilled your blood in my forest for the second time,” Loki hissed. “Once more and you will be thrice bound to me, and I will do with you as I please.”

“Oh, Loki I’m so happy to see you,” Thor said, half crying. “I trusted in the power of love to lead me to you and it abandoned me at my lowest point and then a tick stole my blood and it might be a little early in our relationship to start doing fancy things like giving myself totally to you to do whatever but I would be open to trying it if you wanted to discuss it some time, lay some ground rules and what not, safe words, and I guess the power of love did eventually work in a roundabout way but maybe it needed tears of despair to activate and, -.”

“A tick stole your blood?”

“Yes!”

“That’s my blood, they shouldn’t be stealing it.”

“Ok, first of all it’s my blood, but I guess you can have some if you want-”

“Your permission is unnecessary, but thank you. Are there more?”

“More?”

“More INTERLOPERS,” Loki hissed, suddenly angry. “Thieves! Disrespecting my claim, stealing the sweet blood that ought to be mine!” Between one blink and the next Loki was upon him, running his cool hands over Thor’s chest, groping appreciatively. 

“Be gentle, those are tender areas!” Thor yelped.

“I can sense them, feeding on your life force, robbing me of what is mine!” Loki growled. “Remove your coverings. I must find these interlopers.” Thor hurried to obey, unbuttoning his shirt and shrugging out of it, then slipping out of his shorts until he stood there in only his boots and long socks. Loki gripped Thor’s shoulders hard and pushed him to sit back down on his crying tree then ripped off his bucket hat and threw it deep into the woods.

“Hey-” objected Thor.

“You cannot run from me, you fools. Your line ends today,” Loki hissed, surprisingly gentle as he combed his long claws through Thor’s hair in his search. Thor immediately descended into non-verbal bliss. He had always had a weakness for partners who gave him good touches, who brushed his hair and gave him scritches and massages, and each pass of Loki’s claws produced a blissful wave of tingles that flowed over his scalp down to his neck and shoulders. 

“Ah-HA!” Loki screamed in triumph, brandishing a small dark dot with wiggling little legs pinned between two sharp claw points. “I will show you what disrespecting Loki earns you,” he whispered to the wiggly bean, giving it a threatening smirk before popping it into his mouth whole and crunching down.

Loki gave a little hum of thought as he tasted. “Your blood is sweet, and fills them to bursting. This is why they are drawn to you. The sweetness of your blood speaks to the quality of your character.”

“Oh… cool,” Thor said weakly. “Thank you.”

Loki soon returned to combing through his hair with his claws over and over, parting his hair this way and that. “Your hair is very soft,” he hissed. “It’s maddening.”

“Thank you, my mom bought me a silicone spray for Christmas and I think it helps a lot with cutting down on frizz.”

“Hnn,” Loki hummed, searching. “Perhaps I am the one bewitched.”

“What?” asked Thor, but Loki was already moving on. He slithered behind Thor and began moving his hands over Thor’s neck and back, checking carefully over each inch of bare skin. Each sharp prod or rough shove had him bending and flexing as Loki directed, not a square inch of skin going unchecked. Thor affably went where he was moved, enjoying the attention if not the rough handling. 

Loki manhandled him until he was standing, then knelt to check Thor’s legs and feet and private areas. He ran strong hands over Thor’s lower belly and thighs, a little softer than in his prime but still respectable. His sharp claws scratched gently through the hairs around his dick, and not-so-little Thor started to get interested in the proceedings. Loki froze, staring at Thor's dick.

“Don’t get hard now, I haven’t finished punishing the trespassers for their avarice.”

“I can’t exactly help it, when I see my- a beautiful man kneeling at my feet of course I start to get certain… amorous and tender feelings.”

Loki paused a little, flushing green. “You think I am beautiful?”

“The most beautiful.”

“What about terrifying? Haunting? Captivating?”

“All of those. My beautiful, terrifying, haunting, captivating beloved.”

Loki looked away and growled before redoubling his search, finding a few more ticks and crunching them down. Finally he stopped clawing at Thor and rearranging him so frantically, settling down to soothing pets instead. “I believe you have been cleansed of feckless blood thieves,” he said, “though I will make sure they all rue the day they chose to insult me so.”

“I would have just given them some blood if they asked.” Thor sniffed, sullen. “They didn’t have to crawl all over me and my secret areas that are only for me to touch, and you if you ask nicely and are gentle.”

“Do you wanna fuck again?” Loki offered.

“I mean, we could. But we could also just like, hang out, like-”

“No, we should fuck and renew our bond. We cannot permit this slight to pass uncontested.”

“Alright, I guess, but can we cuddle after... mff-”

\---------------- 

Afterwards they lay together in the fallen leaves. Loki cuddled up to Thor’s chest, scratching his claws delicately over his skin, tracing the outlines of bite marks and scratches with a possessive air. Occasionally Thor would lean up and press a kiss to the top of Loki’s head.

“Where is your son?” Thor asked.

“He enjoys roaming, but he is nearby now. I can always sense him so he is in no danger, but it is good to give progeny some freedom so they can grow strong.”

Thor carefully cut off any thoughts that wandered in the direction of what might pose a threat to a wolf the size of a small horse. “Yeah, I know how that is. My mom is glad I moved out but she still comes by to check on me sometimes and give me Tupperware containers of meals and treats because she loves me and for some reason she gets sad when I eat a sleeve of Oreos or slices of plain bread smeared with ketchup from packets I take from the 7-11 for dinner. Also when she brings food she always packs it in her good Tupperware because she knows I will bring them back to her house and we will have a nice visit.”

“Hmm,” Loki gave a neutral hum.

“She makes sure I’m eating well, and I make sure to pay her regular visits to express my appreciation.”

“Hmm,” Loki hummed, in a more understanding tone. “Sometimes you do have to supplement your offsprings’ hunting.” 

Loki suddenly sat up, turning his face to the sky and letting out a deep, sonorous howl that echoed through the woods. A few moments later Fenris seemed to melt out of the shadows of the surrounding forest, heading straight toward them at a lope. When he arrived, Loki reached one long pale arm up to scratch at Fenris’ ruff in greeting. Fenris leaned down and licked messily at Loki’s face and mouth in obeisance. Thor squirmed a bit awkwardly and put one large palm delicately over his nethers, wishing he hadn’t dropped his shorts so far away from the area where they ended up making love. Loki had been quite wild in the end, so they were too far from his clothes for him to casually retrieve them without making it A Thing. He was starting to get a little chilly too.

Loki gave a gentle tug to Fenris’ ruff and he circled them both before plopping down between them, his large head on Loki’s chest, nose snuggled under his jaw. Thor was covered in a warm sheet of wolf that somehow draped over most of him without applying too much pressure to tender areas. He decided not to think about the fact that they were all naked and laying in the dirt. It was comfortable, and he was warm, and Loki was there, and Fenris was also there but that was okay - sometimes children needed the comfort of sleeping with their parents.

They lay there for a long time, and Thor almost drifted off before Loki started speaking again. “I had not taken into consideration how ill-suited you are to navigating these woods,” he said, haltingly, “and how much it would discomfort me to see you upset.”

“Well I did have a bit of a cry, but it all worked out okay in the end, didn’t it? You found me.”

“You should not have to undertake a valiant quest every time you wish to fuck. Today it was only an upstart tick that injured you, but what if it was a more formidable foe? You are so fragile, it would be too easy for any number of creatures to rip you limb from limb, leaving only scraps behind.”

“Hey, I’m tougher than I look,” Thor objected.

Loki gave him a long stare.

“Anyway,” Loki continued, “I think we need to consider other options.”

“Uh, do you have Telegram? I could CHEESY PETE-”

As Thor spoke, Loki had traced a line over his heart with one sharp claw, cutting deep. However instead of blood and bone the cut opened to reveal a black nothingness inside. He reached his whole hand into his own chest and felt around for a bit, the way someone might grope around in the middle of the night for a phone left charging on their bedside table. After a few moments too long in Thor’s slightly sickened opinion he gave a triumphant smile and pulled out a small object, almost the exact size and color of a shelled edamame bean.

A quick palm swipe over the gaping hole in his chest resealed the opening, leaving only a single shining line behind for a few seconds before that too faded into nothingness. Loki gave a cough and a little wiggle, as if nudging his organs back into place, before he turned to Thor with a grin. He held out his palm, the little bean sitting innocently in the center. 

“Eat it,” said Loki.

“Uhh,” said Thor, trying very hard to cope with what he had just seen.

“Eat it.” Loki pushed his hand closer to Thor, urging him to take the bean.

“I don’t know if I’m comfortable eating a mystery bean you just pulled out of your chest,” Thor responded honestly. “I mean don’t get me wrong, I love edamame, but I just feel like there are so many other ways to deal with this situation we haven't even discussed that do not require me to ingest a chest bean and-”

“Eat. It.” Loki moved his hand to press directly against Thor’s mouth, smushing the bean against his lips.

Thor tried his best to talk without opening his mouth. “M’I ‘posed t’chew?”

“Do NOT under any circumstances chew.” 

Thor gave into the inevitable and opened his mouth to accept the bean with a flick of his tongue, swallowing it down as quickly as possible. He waited to feel any effects. What was supposed to happen? Was a plant supposed to grow in his stomach? What kind of plants did edamame grow on? Was it trees? Oh no, please no, please let it not be trees.

Loki laid back, satisfied. 

After a few moments Thor lay down beside him, Fenris still draped over them both.

“Uhh, what is supposed to happen? With the bean?” Thor asked gingerly.

“It was not a bean.”

“Alright.”

“But now I will always know where you are.”

“So... it's like a GPS tracker?”

“I do not know what that is, but probably. Now I will know the moment you step foot in my woods, and I will come to you. Or maybe not, if I’m busy. I do a lot of things around here. Fenris might come and fetch you if he feels like it, he likes you.”

Fenris gave a single wag of his large tail, then lay still again.

“Aww, I like you too Fenris,” Thor cooed, giving the nearest bit of wolf a friendly scratch.

“Bring hot dogs next time, Fenris liked those.”

“Oh yeah, I’ll splurge and buy the good ones. Hebrew National All Beef. Only the best for the best boy.”

“Hmm.” Loki hummed in assent, then lay still for a long while, pensive. “You know, you said something earlier, before we fucked wildly beneath the open sky,” he said at last. 

“Oh?”

“You said a word. In relation to me. A word. Significant," he ground out.

“I said a lot of things,” Thor said, puzzled.

“Yes, you often speak, at length, about many things. Anyway, I wanted to make it clear. I.. you too,” Loki said finally.

“What?”

“Beloved,” he muttered.

“Oh, Loki,” Thor said, and leaned in to place a smacking kiss on the closest bit of flushed green cheekbone.

\---------------- 

When Thor awoke he found that Loki and Fenris had gone, but they must have only just gone - Fenris’ warmth still clung to his skin, along with enough wolf hair to make a small set of mittens. He sat up and blinked in the morning sun, filled with a warmth that Thor chose to attribute to love rather than the mysterious not-bean he had swallowed. He raised a hand to run it through his hair only to find Loki had attached another parchment note to it, tied around his finger with a bit of spider silk.

Dear Thor,  
The ticks have been punished for their audacity. I have protected you with a ring of their fallen brethren. They will see my Warning and know to Leave You Be. I hope you will visit me again soon. You fucked well last night. I would like to consume some of these oh-reeos you speak of.  
Yours,  
Loki :)  
P.S. - [anatomical illustration of a human heart]

Thor looked carefully around his sleeping site. A neat ring of dead ticks formed a perfectly spaced circle around him, each skewered on a thin wooden needle only 2 cm tall.

“Well. Alright.”

A soft _wuff_ from the edge of the clearing alerted Thor to Fenris’ presence. He opened his mouth and panted lightly, giving Thor a wolfy smile.

“Hey buddy, you gonna help me find my way out of here?”

Fenris gave another soft _wuff_ in what Thor hoped was agreement.

“Uh, could you look away for a bit while I find my pants?”

Fenris loped over and picked up Thor’s shorts delicately in his teeth from where they lay discarded at the edge of the patch of torn up earth and exposed roots that had been ripped from the ground during Thor and Loki’s wild coupling. He stepped carefully over the Tick Wall and dropped them directly in Thor’s lap.

“Thanks bud.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) The quote about ticks was actually from the Tick Management Handbook published by the Connecticut State Government. I don’t think Thor lives in Connecticut, but I am always jazzed when state governments create cool informative documents for free, so check it out if you want to know more about ticks in the Eastern US. BTW this kind of tick does NOT carry Lyme disease, so don’t sweat it. Also Loki would never permit his Thor to contract a tick-borne disease in his woods.
> 
> Thank you [willowthewitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowthewitch) for the idea of Thor and Loki doing tick checks, and thank you [maharlika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maharlika) for the idea of Loki eating them.


	3. A VISIT TO MOM'S HOUSE

“...so I’ve tried pruning a little more regularly, but they just don’t seem to be responding the way I would like. I even tried the new fertilizer that Troy, you know the nice young man at the garden store? That Troy suggested, and maybe I’ve seen a couple of new blooms this week, but they are still rather small and fragile. And then, I ran into Delia down at the grocery store, and do you know what she had the gall to say to me?”

“What, mom?”

“She said, ‘Fri, I drove by your house earlier this week and your azaleas are looking a little scraggly. Would you like me to come by later and give them a look? See what the problem is?’”

“How dare!”

“Right?! She thinks she knows everything because her house won the Eastside Little Growers Garden Club Prize for Best Flowering Shrubs last year, when I KNOW It is because she had a landscaper from two towns over come to her home in the dark of night at LEAST twice a week for a month before the judging period started when she KNOWS it is against the spirit of the club rules to have any outside assistance from non-club members, but she sure flaunted that rule AND put the prize plaque front and center in her front window, didn't she?"

"I'm sure she did."

"You're darn right she did. Shameless."

"Hmm."

"Darling, you're sounding a little distracted. You haven't even offered to sneak over to Delia's home in the night and spritz her bushes with battery acid."

"Mom, I'm not distracted! And I wouldn't make Delia's plants suffer for her sins."

"Hmm. What is it, another girl?"

"No," Thor responded, entirely truthfully.

"A boy?"

"N-no," Thor responded, a little less sure this time. He and Loki had never really spoken about gender, and he actually wasn't even sure if Loki really understood the concept, but it was technically just enough deniability for him to squeak by without actually lying to his mother.

"Hmm. A lover then."

".....nyyyyesh. Yes."

"Oh sweetheart I'm so happy for you. I was worried about whether you'd be able to get over the last one, you do tend to give your heart away so easily. I'm glad to see you've rebounded!"

"Mom, don't jinx it!"

"Alright, alright, I'll say no more about it."

"Thank you."

"..."

"..."

"...How long have you been dating?"

"...Afewmunths."

"Is it serious?"

"Iunno."

"Have you made love? Are you being safe? Do you need more condoms? I know you get embarrassed to buy them so I'll pick you up another box when I'm at the store again. Do you want to stick with the old kind or a new one? They have these new flavored ones that Brenda down at the clinic was telling me about, no nasty aftertaste and hypoallergenic-"

"Mom!"

"What, I'm not allowed to ask after my only son's happiness? I'm not allowed to care about his life? I can't want him to live safe and healthy? I should refrain from having him and his new partner over for dinner so I can ensure he's being treated right?"

"It's complicated."

"Oh Thor, honey. Is this one married too?"

"No!"

"Alright then, I'll see you two next week on Friday at seven, let me know if they have any allergies by Tuesday so I can pick up the ingredients for dinner and your condoms, I have to run, Delia is driving very slowly past my house again psychically disparaging my azaleas so I have to go spit on her car, kisses!"

"Mo-"

His protest was met only with a dial tone.

Aw beans. He was going to have to talk with Loki about this.

\---------------- 

Loki paused for a moment, replaying the last few seconds of their conversation, before a wave of anger overtook him. “You would have me leave my forest,” he spat, furious and betrayed. “You would cut me off from my lifeforce. You would have me die.” He leapt to his feet and paced angrily around the small hollow they often used as a site for their couplings.

“No! My mom just keeps passive-aggressively hinting that she would like to meet my boyfriend!” Thor said in a placating tone.

“I am not a boy,” Loki hissed.

“Partner.”

“We are not equals.”

“Unfathomably beautiful and terrifying being who has cursed my dick and stolen my heart?”

Loki took a few seconds to respond, thinking it over. “...Acceptable,” he ground out at last.

“Alright then, my mom just keeps passive-aggressively hinting that she would like to meet the, uh, being I love.”

“This is the one who gifted you the treacherous windbreaker,” he ground out, pensively.

“Yes.”

“And she wishes to test my worthiness?” It had been a long time since Loki had had to fight to prove his worth - he had long ago rose to the highest ranks of the forest, and only the foolhardy challenged him these days. But if he must fight, so be it.

“No! I don't care what she thinks of you. She just wants to make sure I'm happy, and healthy, and that you’re not married I guess.”

“I’m bound to no other but you. I care for no other being at all, except for you! And Fenris.”

“Aww, Loki,” Thor said sweetly, leaning in for a kiss.

Loki grabbed him by the jaw, giving him fish lips.

“I can stray from my woods for one night. I will return by sunrise. I will greet this “mom” and have the measure of her spirit. I will show her none other can care for you as well as I can. No one is as strong, or as fearsome, or as powerful as I. I am the best mate.”

“Aw, great!! She’s gonna love you.”

“All who look upon me love me and despair.”

“Haha, yeah we do,” Thor chuckled, and Loki allowed him to lean in for his kiss.

Loki kissed him deeply, devouring Thor’s moans, and Thor only cut himself on Loki’s fangs twice. The sweet taste of Thor's blood filled his mouth and sated a tender part of him deep inside that wanted to devour Thor and keep him safe in the bone cage of his physical form. Loki knew he didn’t really understand the human world. They were all so fragile, and most of the things Thor said about Work and the Department of Motor Vehicles and “don’t throw my phone in the river, I still have 3 months left on my contract before I can get a new one” didn’t really make sense to him, but this meal seemed to be quite important to Thor. Also he thought, winding his long tongue over and over around Thor’s and counting his molars with the forked tip to ensure none had been stolen in his absence, Thor seemed unusually nervous when he presented Loki with this request. This “mom” must be quite powerful. Good - all teeth accounted for. Loki could admit to himself, in the darkest night, that he also had certain feelings for Thor.

Fine. He would do his best to prove his worth to this, “mom.”

\---------------- 

The next week found them pulling up in front of Thor’s mom’s house in Thor’s light teal 1999 Ford Focus at 6:55 on the dot. The tiny rubber snake hanging from the rear-view mirror bounced jovially as he pulled the parking brake.

Thor reached over and placed a large, warm hand on Loki’s. “It’s gonna go great. She’ll love you, I’m sure.” He leaned in to give Loki a little peck on the cheek. “After all, I already do.”

Loki gave him a flustered little glance before reaching over to pull open the door handle, glad he and Thor had practiced in the parking lot to ensure Loki didn’t get trapped and panic and rip the door off again. The khakis and sweater he had borrowed from Thor were restrictive, his hair had been forcibly combed and slicked back, and most of his beloved ash had been scrubbed from his flesh. Thor hadn’t even let him tie the large buck he had brought down with tooth and claw earlier that afternoon to the roof of the vehicle. He had wanted to provide an offering and expression of appreciation for Thor’s mom for permitting Loki to enter her territory, but Thor had said it was inappropriate to show up nude, ash-smeared, and splattered with blood when greeting a mate’s dam, so khakis it was. Fenris had enjoyed the buck anyway, and Loki was always pleased to provide for his offspring.

They made their way towards the entrance of the dwelling, but before they could knock and announce themselves the door opened revealing a tall, sturdy woman who looked a lot like Thor. Her long wavy hair was a beautiful silver shot through with gold, deep lines traced the paths of age over her face, and she wore a fluffy sweater absolutely covered with images of baby felines and small shiny things somehow attached to the garment. They glinted and sparkled bewitchingly in the light. Thor’s dam must be quite formidable, to openly wear such covetable items on her person where anyone could see them and challenge her for her treasures.

"Hey you two, thanks for coming all the way here. How was the drive?"

"Fine mom, thanks for having us."

"Well come in, come in! Don't just stand there unmoving in the doorway, menacingly."

Loki took a hesitant step into the house, glancing around uncomprehendingly at the knick knacks and doilies that covered most of the flat surfaces in the house. 

"You have a lovely home," he said as if reciting a line he had only memorized phonetically. "This structure's bones are made from the bodies of once-living trees."

"Yes, oak I think."

"They are quite strong, despite the screams."

"Thank you, we try. Are you feeling hungry?"

"My hunger is constant and unceasing. Have you any ohreeohs."

"Yes."

Loki gave Thor a triumphant look - Thor had yet to bring any Oreos out to the forest because he kept snacking on them in the car, and Loki had been quite miffed at being unable to try the fabled snack.

"I'll get them!" offered Thor, happy to see his mother and Loki getting along so well. "Why don't you two go into the sitting room and get to know each other better?" He dashed off to the kitchen, giving a little fist pump in exaltation at how well the meeting was going.

They moved into the sitting room where they perched upon soft resting places. Loki pasted a rictus grin on his face, showing off the sharpness of his teeth and demonstrating his fitness as a mate. Thor’s dam smiled back, showing off much blunter and inferior teeth, but she was older and could not be expected to maintain the sharp fangs of her youth. 

"So, Loki, what is it that you do?" 

"I live, I fuck, I run wild and bare beneath the bright moon."

"Oh..."

"On occasion I scream."

"Wonderful! Thor often screamed as a boy."

"Yes, we have much in common,” Loki said agreeably.

"I'm back! with Oreos!!" Thor bustled into the Sitting Room, placing a plate of Oreos on the small table in front of them and taking a seat on the soft resting place next to Loki. Loki quickly snatched up three of the circular snacks and shoved them in his mouth, swallowing them whole.

"Oh Thor, Loki was just telling me that he screams," Frigga said warmly.

"Oh yes he's quite good at screaming. It really curdles the blood of anyone who would dare trespass unsuspecting in his forest,” Thor added, with a little peck to Loki’s cheek.

Loki felt his face heating at the praise.

"Did Loki tell you he has a son?"

"No!! You have a son?"

"Yes, Fenris. He is black as night, sharp in tooth and claw. All prey flee from his path or die screaming," Loki said with pride.

"He sounds darling! Do you have any photos?"

Thor pulled out his cell phone, showing his mother the lock screen. It was a group photo of himself, Loki, and Fenris next to their favorite stream in Loki's woods. Fenris and Thor had just finished a little tussle and they were both covered in fallen leaves and smeared with dirt, flushed and panting and smiling in the dappled sunlight. Thor had one arm around Fenris and one arm around Loki, giving him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. Loki's face was corrupted and pixelated in the photograph, but you could just make out the pleasured green blush on his angular cheekbone.

"What a sweetheart! You should bring him next time, we can go to the dog park."

"He is not a dog," Loki said, slightly offended. "He is the wolf who will devour the world, whose jaws will rip the throats of kings and turn the oceans to blood."

"The regular park then. I would love a chance to spend time with my grandbaby."

"Mom! it's a little early for-,” Thor tried to object.

"Thor, does your mother approve of our breeding?" Loki asked, startled and a bit pleased. This was going much better than he had thought!

Thor felt himself flushing. "We've never really discussed it in detail."

"I would like Fenris to be a little older before I consider breeding again, but-"

"Ohhoho yes, definitely something that is our business that we should consider discussing privately when we get home and are not in front of my mother."

"I don't mind," Frigga added helpfully. "it's good to have these kinds of discussions early, make sure you're on the same page. Are you still involved with Fenris' father, or mother, or… dam?"

"Mom! You can't just ask that!" Thor sputtered.

"Fenris is my son," Loki stated coolly.

“...so there is no other parent in the picture?”

"No. But Fenris is quite fond of Thor. He can now track him anywhere in my forest just by scent or the sound of his footsteps. He often does so unseen, which will be helpful when he has to start bringing down all his own prey. I am glad their bond is growing stronger."

"Aww, I love him too," said Thor, a little choked up.

They sat there for a few moments, the silence broken only by the scrabbling of Loki’s claws on the Oreo plate and the distinct lack of crunching sounds as he swallowed them down.

"Would you like me to banish the screams from the bones of your home?" Loki offered at last.

"Oh would you? That's so sweet of you to offer."

"A ritual?!" Thor asked excitedly. Loki gave no response, just started stripping off the barely-tolerated sweater and khakis right there in the middle of the sitting room.

"Well he's certainly eager," said Frigga.

"He's so cool when he does rituals, mom, the house will be so cleansed for sure."

“No screams will linger in the bones of your home, and your garden will be lush and bountiful," Loki intoned in a sonorous voice.

"My garden too? I would appreciate that so much, my azaleas have been struggling this year. I think Delia may be cursing them."

“No curse set by human hands will survive the cleansing.”

“Oh wonderful. Loki, before you get started, I hate to even ask but rules are rules. How would you feel about joining the Eastside Little Growers Garden Club?”

\---------------- 

Fifteen minutes and one completed club application form later Loki was standing nude in the backyard, smeared with ash, offering blood to the full moon and chanting. Thor stood nearby with hearts in his eyes, holding the neatly-folded khakis and sweater he had lent Loki.

“Well,” said Frigga at last, “I’m gonna go finish up dinner.”

\---------------- 

That evening Thor and Loki headed back to Loki’s woods in Thor’s little car, sated by the delicious dinner. Loki had even been entrusted with one of the Good Tupperware Containers full of little treats and leftovers to share with Fenris. He would do his best to treat the container with utmost care and not permit Fenris to leave bite marks on its glossy manufactured surface.

“That went well,” Thor said happily, reaching over to take Loki’s hand.

“What.” said Loki, holding his hand stiff as Thor tried to weave their fingers together. 

“No, Loki, let me hold your hand with my hand. No, not like that. Let my fingers go like, between your fingers. Like. No. Not like that either.”

“Why.”

“Touching hands helps me feel close to you when I can’t hold you, for example while I’m driving.”

“Oh,” Loki said, pleased. He allowed Thor to weave their fingers together, carefully ensuring he did not cut himself on Loki’s claws. “I am made vulnerable when one hand is restrained in your grip, but I know you would not harm me. This is a demonstration of love.”

“Yes.”

They sat there in the warm silence for a few minutes, Thor carefully navigating his way through the dark streets as a gentle spatter of rain began to fall. 

“Mom loved you too.”

“As I said, all who see me love me and despair.”

“Yeah, we do.” Thor raised their intertwined hands to his lips and gave the back of Loki’s hand a little kiss. “I think this is the happiest I’ve seen her all year. She worries about me, you know. Also you made her azaleas look lovely, she will really savor being able to rub that in Delia’s face.”

“The curse was an easy one to break, only a bit of weak human hedge magic.”

“Still, it’s appreciated.”

“I’m glad I made a good display to prove my worth as a mate, and that she approves of our breeding.”

Thor felt himself flushing. “Yes, you are a great parent.”

“And you.”

“Me?”

“Fenris’ sire is gone, but…” Loki paused in thought. “In a way, I think of you as his sire, sometimes. Occasionally at night when Fenris and I howl together I feel like there is a voice missing from our song.”

Thor felt himself tearing up. “I do love him, like my own wolf son.”

Loki teared up a little bit as well, but he wiped the ichor away before it could fall and stain Thor’s upholstery. 

Finally they pulled back into the parking lot that lay at the entrance to Loki’s forest. Neither of them was in a hurry to leave the car, so they sat together in the quiet and listened to the gentle plinks of rain hitting the roof of the car. 

At length, Loki gave a tired sigh. “I must return to my forest. Already I feel parts of myself beginning to wither and wilt. But, it pleased me to meet your momther. She is welcome in my forest anytime. No harm will befall her here.”

“She will be happy to hear that, she loves hiking. We’ll have to take a camping trip up here one weekend.”

“Bring hotdogs.”

“Lots of hotdogs.”

“Fenris loves hotdogs.”

“He does.”

Loki leaned over and gave Thor a deep kiss, parting with a softly whispered, “eight.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Goodnight, Thor.” Loki reached over and deftly opened the car door, giving a triumphant smile before stepping out and vanishing into the fog at the edge of his woods. Thor examined the very pleasing crunchy red leaf Loki had left in his hand, giving it a gentle kiss before tucking it into his shirt pocket.

“Goodnight, Loki.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who took the picture of Thor and Loki and Fenris in the woods, if Thor had an arm each around Loki and Fenris? Mind your business. 
> 
> Alright, if you MUST know, Thor definitely is the type to want to have a picture of his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s son as his lock screen, do the math and realize that he has two people to hug and only two arms, understand that Loki cannot be expected to take a good selfie, and purchase a small tripod appropriate for taking woods selfies just so he can have a good lock screen pic that makes him melt every time he picks up his phone. ♡♡


	4. BONDAGE (NOT THAT KIND OF BONDAGE)

“Did you pass along the snacks I sent for Fenris?” Frigga’s voice came through the speakerphone clearly resting on the bed as Thor changed from his work clothes to his woods wear. 

“No, not yet. I’ll bring them when I go out there this evening though. I’m sure he’ll love them,” Thor grunted, wiggling into his shortest shorts.

“Thank you sweetheart, do let me know. Hmm, what else has happened recently... Oh, Delia had the gall to pull me over in Target the other week! I was shopping with Gina, you know her youngest just had another baby so we were stocking up on snacks and stuff. I think we’re gonna bring a casserole over there later this week sometime.”

“Yeah, I saw on Facebook. Ugly baby.”

“Bless her heart, the ugliest. Maybe she’ll grow into it. Anyway Delia was going on and on, nothing but compliments about my azaleas since they won this year's Eastside Little Growers Garden Club Prize for Best Flowering Shrubs and the tasteful plaque is in MY window and her window lies barren.”

“Yeah.”

“But then she had the brass balls to turn to me with a smug little look on her face and say, ‘“But Fri, I thought we weren’t supposed to get assistance from outside parties? How on earth did you turn your azaleas around after the sorry showing they made last year?’”

“No!”

“Yes! So I said to her, ‘Well we can’t all rely on the Leo Brothers Landscaping Company making the completely independent decision to come up from Cedarville in the middle of the night twice a week for little clandestine visits, but we do our best. I have been encouraging them lately with little spoonfuls of deer's blood. I think it helps them to be rewarded with a little treat now and then.”

“Hooo boy.”

“You should have seen the look on her face! It was like I hit her over the head with one of her tacky garden gnomes that has its overalls pulled down to show off its little ceramic butt cheeks. She flounced off in a big huff and Gina and I did a little high five with our eyes. Please do let Loki know I appreciate his suggestion, the blood has really made my azaleas sparkle this year. How is he, by the way? I didn’t see him at the last meeting of the Garden Club, and I meant to remind him that it’s his turn to bring snacks next week.”

“Oh, he wanted to go but it overlapped with the date of the equinox so he had to go ‘deal with the veils and layers lest the realms be ripped in twain’ or whatever that means. He asked me to send his regrets.”

“What a sweetheart.”

“Yeah,” Thor said, smitten.

Frigga paused a moment before responding. “Thor? I’m going to say this once, and only once, so please listen carefully.”

“Okay.”

“You better NEVER do him wrong. You grab that man-shaped being and hold on tight. My azaleas put Delia’s to SHAME. She WEPT, Thor. She wept in front of the whole club and tried to dab it away with a handkerchief but she used non-waterproof mascara and turned into a raccoon and had to go home. Plus, I’ve never seen you this happy either. You better treasure him. Do you hear me?”

“I’m not planning on breaking up with him, mom.”

“Good. Tie him down as soon as you can. Make an appointment at city hall. Pull out your grandmother’s ring I know you’ve got wearing a hole in your pocket. Build a fire. Burn an offering. Whatever you have to do.”

“Aww Mom, I do not have Gamgam’s ring in my pocket.”

“Then it's in your sock drawer because you are afraid if you keep it in your pocket you will somehow spontaneously develop a hole in that pocket and lose it.”

“...touche. But I don’t even know if he would want to marry me!”

“How will you know if you don’t ask?”

“...”

“I’m your mother, Thor. I know you. You were born to be a husband, and it’s high time you fulfilled that destiny. And I think he would be more into the idea of marrying you than you think - you haven’t seen how his eyes literally glow when we mention you down at the Club. Ask him.”

\---------------- 

That evening Thor made his regular trip out to Loki’s forest. Fenris met him just at the edge of the treeline, tail wagging a hundred miles an hour. "Hey bud, how is my favorite fierce widdle guy?" Thor asked rhetorically, reaching up to scratch at his ruff. Fenris gave a deep, bone shaking "BOOF" in greeting, licking his face once before they set off deeper into the woods. They wrassled and play-fought a bit as they went, following scent trails that only Fenris could see.

Between one step and the next Loki melted out of the shadows, wrapping himself around Thor and kissing him deeply. Thor, well used to this by now, just wound his arms around Loki and gave back as good as he got. They finally pulled apart, panting, and Thor whirled Loki around and around as he clung to him like a limpet, Fenris barking and jumping at them in excitement. Finally they stopped spinning, nuzzling their jaws against each other’s once more before parting.

They began walking deeper into the woods, Fenris circling them and bounding off into the shadows before reappearing, then bounding off again. As they walked their hands naturally found each other’s and wound together like viney tendrils reaching for an anchor. Loki had found that he quite liked holding hands, once he learned how to do it properly and didn’t forget himself and produce irritating gels and ichors from the physical contact.

"I'm glad to see you made it back unscathed again. How was work? Did you finally defeat your office rival Jeff in armed combat?” Loki asked politely, displaying interest in his mate’s daily life to strengthen their bond.

“No, Jeff still lives. But we did have a talk about common courtesy and eating the last of the cookies Carol brings to the monthly pizza parties without leaving even a single one for me to wrap in a napkin and bring to my beloved who does not even work there but who can see all that goes on in the office when he looks beyond the veil. He said that he would try to remember, so our war may soon come to an end.”

“Good. Jeff should know better than to take my rightful tribute.”

They walked together in the quiet for a few more minutes, watching Fenris sniff and dig and enjoying being in each other’s company.

“Oh, I almost forgot! Mom sent along some bones for Fenris, if that’s ok.” 

Thor let go of Loki’s hand, hardening his heart to Loki’s little whimper of disappointment, and pulled a bag of beef bones from his pack. Loki held out an expectant palm and Thor deposited one of the bones into it respectfully. Loki brought it to his mouth and crunched down, taking a neat semicircle bite out of the thick bone. He chewed for a long moment, considering, before pronouncing it “acceptable” and crunching down the rest of the bone in two large bites.

“Oh, great! Mom was looking online and she found this place that offers organic, free-range bones for large breeds and wanted to ‘spoil her grandpup’ as she said.” Fenris came bounding up as soon as the scent of the bones hit the air, shoving his muzzle directly against Thor’s jaw and licking appeasingly. Thor laughed and shoved him away before pulling another bone from the bag and throwing it deep into the woods. Fenris went sprinting after it, on the hunt.

“She also asked me to remind you it's your turn to bring snacks to next week’s club meeting,” Loki nodded in acknowledgement as Thor continued, ”and she thanked you for the deer blood suggestion, she said it really did the trick. Delia was furious.” 

“I’m glad Delia has been thwarted. Her curses were weak and she should feel bad about them.”

Loki took the bag from Thor and threw the last bone as hard as he could, ensuring it landed high in the branches of a tree a mile or so away. Getting to that one would be good practice for Fenris.

Thor grew pensive as he tucked the empty bag back into his pack. “Loki, I want to discuss something serious tonight.”

Loki focused all his attention on Thor. “Are you cursed again?”

“For the last time the hiccups are not a curse, they are just a regular human body thing that only cause me to sound like I'm dying. They're not harmful. And also no. I uhh, wanted to talk about our future.”

“I can’t read our future right now. Last moon cycle I pissed off the youngest of the three sisters and she spat on me and yelled at me to fuck off forever or she would rasp my skin from my still living body piece by piece with a nail file, so we can’t do any scrying for at least another month or so. All we would see is horrifying visions of our genitals falling off and turning into soup. Sorry.”

“No, no that’s not it, but thanks for the heads up. I wanted to, uh. I really enjoy spending time with you, and with Fenris. I love coming to your woods and h-holding hands, and making savage love beneath the stars, and getting to know you more and more each day. I want to keep doing this. I want us to spend our futures, our lives together. I want to carry your scars on my skin and your love in my heart. I was wondering if you wanted the same thing. If you wanted to uh, m-marry me.”

“...Marry.”

“Yes. It’s like, a permanent bond. A vow we make to each other for life.” To Thor’s horror, instead of looking enthusiastic and saying ‘yes, yes, a thousand times yes’ and maybe making out a little bit in celebration, Loki looked upset. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I love you as you are. I do not wish you to become a thrall, permanently bound to me in service, empty of all thoughts and desires but the need to fulfill my every whim.”

“Oh, no. No no no no. I don't want that either. Do you have to thrall? Can I just be yours, without the thralling?”

“...maybe,” Loki said, doubtfully. Bind Thor to him? Without thralling? If they were completely bound together, Thor would have access to all his secret places, could enter his deepest dens and dark hidden pits. How could Loki be sure Thor would not harm him while he slept vulnerable in his nest? Or, even worse, in the soft times after a shed when his scales were not yet armor, and his heart was unshielded? But, a Thor bound to be his thrall would not be a Thor at all. A thrall would not surprise him with little treats from the human world, with tales from his workplace, would not look at him with love shining in his eyes. He would be transformed into a mere reflection of Loki's wants and desires, his own personality sublimated under the compulsion to serve. It would be unbearable to see Thor destroyed in such a way.

Perhaps this was what love really meant. To permit another into a place where they could see and touch your beating heart, trusting them not to crush it, restrained only by the knowledge that doing so would be to destroy their own heart as well. To share a heart, to share a love, to share a life.

“We are already twice bound,” Loki said slowly. “If you spill your blood once more in my forest, purposefully, with the intent to bind but not control, we could be married without thralling. Our lives would cleave together. You would be mine and I would be yours, until the end of days when Fenris devours the world.”

“Would… would you like that?” Thor asked nervously.

“Yes.” Loki said decisively. “Marry me.”

\---------------- 

After a long series of discussions they had decided they would each prepare in their own way and meet at the edge of Loki's woods in the early evening. Thor would bring himself and his mother, and his friends from work would carpool up in Scott’s van. Loki would ensure himself, Fenris, and his forest witnesses were present. Luckily Thor knew someone from work who had "applied online to be authorized to be an officiant," whatever that meant, so they would be able to be bound in the human way without too much fuss. Loki would be responsible for binding them in the way of the forest. By mutual agreement they decided not to see each other before the wedding ceremony - Thor insisted it would be bad luck for Loki to see him (even making him swear he would not peek behind the veil to spy on him) and although Loki knew he could cleanse them of any bad luck he also understood that marriage was about compromise.

\---------------- 

Thor awoke that morning alone in his apartment, sunlight streaming through the windows. He sat up, stretched, and scratched at his belly soporifically. His glazed eyes roamed aimlessly over the room before landing on a suit hanging off his closet door in a dry cleaning bag. His brain finally came online. It was his wedding day!

He jumped out of bed, tripping over some dirty clothes on the floor and slamming into the wall. He pulled himself back up and brushed off the drywall dust, rushing off to the bathroom to brush his teeth, trim his beard, and take a quick shower. He was due at his mom’s house by 10:00 to help him do his hair and keep him from going out of his mind from nerves. He carefully put the leave-in conditioner in his hair and beard and timed the 5 minutes it took to soak, shaking his hips and singing little shower songs to himself as he waited. Today! Today was the day! He was going to become a husband!!

\---------------- 

A number of miles away the sun shone on a lovely fall day in Loki's woods. A crisp breeze cut through the air, rustling leaves decked out in their best reds and golds in celebration of the binding of Loki to his fiance. Loki awoke from his meditation in one of his deepest, safest dens, blinking in the dim light cast by the few bioluminescent mushrooms that dotted the edges of the space. He reached out, hand searching for Fenris’ reassuring warmth to give him a little shake and awaken him, but he found only soil and roots and fallen leaves. Loki quickly slithered out of his burrow, concerned. He found Fenris a few paces from the entrance to the den, black fur shining blue in the sunlight. He held a crown of flowers delicately in his powerful jaws - oleander and hemlock wound over and around a frame of black oak.

“Oh, dear heart,” Loki whispered, deeply moved. Fenris had awoken early and snuck from their warm comfy den to make Loki a crown woven with auspicious plants for his wedding day, all on his own. Weak spells of protection were entwined with the greenery lining the crown. Fenris was growing up and making his own little weavings now. Loki took his large head in both hands and pressed their foreheads together, giving Fenris a little kiss. “Thank you, my offspring. I will wear this today with love and pride in my heart.” They stood there for a few moments, breathing each other’s air, Fenris’ tail wagging uncontrollably in joy. Finally Loki stepped away from their embrace and seated the crown on his head. “Let’s finish the rest of the preparations, hmm?” he asked brightly, giving his son a sharp smile.

\---------------- 

Thor finally arrived at his mother’s house around fifteen minutes after ten, enduring the slight chiding for his tardiness with good grace. She unwrapped his dry cleaned suit, checking it over to see if it needed any last minute ironing, but found it in perfect condition. They then set about preparing the house for the small post-wedding reception. The food was going to be delivered that evening, so most of the preparation involved having Thor bring down the center leafs for the dining room table and general cleaning and arranging for guests.

Around noon she encouraged Thor to go put on his suit so she could start doing his hair. He emerged from the bedroom in a soft leaf-green suit in a smart cut, paired with a dove grey vest over a crisp white shirt. His tie was a delicate cream embroidered with tiny snakes in silver thread. “Oh, look at this handsome groom!” Frigga exclaimed, kissing him on each cheek. He blushed a deep red. “Loki will love you for sure in that getup.”

“Mom, he already does,” he muttered sheepishly, then blushed harder when he realized what he had said.

“Well get over here, let’s get your hair sorted,” Frigga beckoned to the kitchen chair in front of her. She brushed out his hair until it shone golden in the light from the kitchen windows, then carefully braided the top half into several french braids leaving the rest of it to hang down past his shoulders in curls. She tied off the braids together with a narrow dark green silk ribbon to match his suit, and gave the crown of his head a little parting kiss.

“There you are, all set. Do you want some makeup?”

“Do you think it would look good?” Thor asked nervously.

“Maybe a little gold around your eyes to bring out the blue, a little gloss, nothing too ostentatious.”

“Sure,” Thor agreed.

She pulled out her makeup kit, lining his eyes delicately with a flick of gold liner and putting a light touch of tinted gloss on his lips. “Oh darling, you look beautiful,” she said, a little tearily. “And that liner is waterproof, so you go ahead and cry as much as you want.”

“Mom, I’m not gonna cry.”

“Sweetheart, we both know that is a lie.”

\---------------- 

Meanwhile, Loki was going through his own preparations. He had scrubbed the altar stone of the offering circle closest to the edge of his forest until it shone (as much as any altar stone can through the bloodstains). Summons had been sent to all the lesser gods of the forest, from the high deer gods and spider lords to the lowest baronets of fungi. The tick princes had not received an invitation, but they were aware that they were still under sanctions for theft from the crown and would not have expected to receive an invitation so soon after the Interloper Incident.

He had smeared himself with the purest of his ash in intricate patterns that radiated out from his eyes and wound sinuously all over his torso and arms. His hair was arranged in a cascade of wild black curls that flowed down from the flower crown, with Fenris helping out and occasionally bringing smooth twigs to help hold everything in place. He wrapped his most impressive necklace of fangs wrenched from the mouths of fallen enemies around his elegant throat, the largest the length of his palm. He wore a short skirt of deerskin, slit up the side to show his long legs, also smeared with patterns of ash. He wrapped silver bangles around his arms and ankles and studded his skin with iridescent beetle wing cases and snail shells and shiny precious stones that glittered bewitchingly in the sunlight. He darkened his lips with charcoal ink, which helped to show off the sharp whiteness of his teeth. Topped with the flower crown he looked more than strong and fierce enough to prove his worth as Thor's mate, and fearsome snake god of his domain.

And if he had to kneel a moment to wipe the sweat from nervous palms on a bit of moss, only Fenris would know.

\---------------- 

“Okay, final check,” Frigga called out in a battle-ready voice. “Keys? Wallet? Phone?”

“Check, check, check.”

“Marriage license? Pen? Backup pen?”

“Check, check, check.”

“Non-crumb-producing snacks for the road because you get snacky when you are nervous?”

“Check!”

“Ring?”

“...”

“Ring!?”

“Ch-check…” Thor said in a sniffly voice.

“Oh honey,” she said kindly, “At least keep it together until you slip it on his finger.”

\---------------- 

Loki reached into the heart of the walnut tree at the center of his forest, pulling out a small chunk of wood about the size of a quail’s egg. He rolled it between his palms until it was glossy and smooth and pliable. He then reached deep into the back of his own mouth with two careful claws, removing a fang with a pop and a small drip of ichor. It would grow back with the next full moon, but until then he would have to hide it from Thor. He knew Thor would not think him weak for losing a tooth, and if asked he would clearly explain that it had been given freely and not stolen from him, but he couldn’t be blamed for having a little bit of vanity on his wedding day.

He pressed the fang into the softened wood and molded the mixture like clay until it completely hid the fang inside. He held it up to his dark lips and blew gently, and the mixture glowed a bit before transforming into a ring, glossy and bone smooth, shot through with a band of ivory. A leaf also began growing from the ring and he plucked it off with an embarrassed huff - there was no need to get carried away.

He held up the dark ring on a flat palm. “What do you think?” he asked Fenris.

“Wuff,” he grumbled encouragingly.

“You’re right,” Loki said. “He will love it.”

\---------------- 

Thor’s mother volunteered to drive them up to the forest in her station wagon as they both knew Thor would be too nervous to keep it together on the drive. He did better than expected though, only having to huff into his paper bag of snacks twice to stave off panic attacks.

When they arrived at the parking lot to the forest Thor immediately bolted from the car and stood with his head between his knees, composing himself in a gentlemanly manner. Frigga came and stood by him, patting his back encouragingly.

“Thor!” called a whispering voice from the woods.

Thor’s head immediately shot up. “Loki?”

Loki emerged from the shadow of the treeline with Fenris at his side. Thor’s jaw dropped. Loki was so beautiful, radiant in the sunlight. His ash was extra fancy today, and he had flowers in his hair. Thor was overcome with love. “You look lovely!” he yelled. “Flowers! Hair flowers!” he added, intelligently. “Nice!”

Loki finally arrived at the parking lot. “Thank you, Fenris made the crown for me.”

“Fenris?” Thor reached up to give Fenris a little scratch in admiration. “You did a great job bud! Loki looks so pretty!” Fenris lolled his tongue out in appreciation at the scratch, eyes half-lidded.

“You look lovely as well,” Loki added. He squinted at Thor’s tie, then grabbed him by the lapels and pulled him closer. When he saw that the little embroidered creatures were snakes, he flushed, letting go of Thor’s lapels and smoothing them out against his broad chest. “I- I see you have no flowers. Here,” he said, laying a hand on Thor’s lapel over his heart. When he removed his hand Thor had a beautiful oleander bloom growing from his buttonhole, entwined with some small green vines. “Now we match.”

Loki cleared his throat a little and stepped back. “You and your guests are welcome in my forest this day. My protection is extended to you and yours until the sun rises anew. The other spirits of the forest will hear this proclamation and obey,” he said, raising his voice at the end. He turned back to the treeline, and several shadows in the trees moved and raised limbs of various shapes and sizes in acknowledgment. Thor turned to look as well and felt his mind turning inside out when he tired focusing on the shapes in the shadows, so he decided to just not think about it.

Just then Thor’s work friends arrived at the parking lot in Scott’s van with the painting of the wizard fighting or fucking a dragon on the side of it (no one could quite tell since Scott had done the airbrushing himself and he was not a great artist, and by now it had been too long to ask without making it weird). Scott screeched to a halt, pulled the parking brake, jumped out, and ran over to pull open the sliding door to the back. “Sorry, the interior handle has been broken for a few years,” he huffed.

Thor went over to greet him and was met with a big bear hug.

"Oh Thor, I'm so happy to see you getting married, man! A wedding! You look great! You're going to be so happy, my marriage was the best thing that ever happened to me, including that time that I got a certificate for free froyo for a year from the Pinkberry when I helped them fight that family of raccoons that busted in and went hog wild on the jimmies because marriage is like getting free froyo every day for the rest of your life! And now it's you chowing down on that sweet froyo of love and commitment! I'm so happy for you man."

"Thanks Scott, I appreciate it. Can I introduce you to my fiance, Loki?"

“...I’m honored.” Loki said in a diplomatic tone. “Thor, who are these people?”

“These are my friends from work, I told you about them!”

“Oh, yes. The Office.”

“Yes.”

“Who is the talkative one?”

“This is Scott.” Scott started waving wildly as the rest of the coworkers finished filing out of the backseat of the van.

“Hmm,” Loki hummed in a flat tone. 

Scott kept waving, but less energetically now.

“He is a nice dude,” Thor vouched. 

Scott’s waving increased in tempo again. “Thank you Thor!” he stage-whispered.

“Acceptable,” Loki said at last. “What about this one?” he asked, gesturing to a taller blond woman stretching beside the van.

“That’s Carol.”

Loki’s eyes lit up in interest. “The one who brings the non-ohreeo cookies to the monthly Pizza Parties?”

“Yes.”

Loki went over to Carol and grasped her hand between two cool, ash-covered palms. “Carol. Thor once brought me one of your cookies wrapped in a napkin the evening following one of your pizza parties. It was somewhat crumbled and destroyed from being carried in his pockets along with his keys, but nonetheless I was able to partake. I consumed it and felt no ill-effects. I enjoyed the combination of honey and flattened dried oat flakes. You are welcome in my forest.”

“Oh wow, you really liked the cookie,” said Thor, impressed.

“No problem, glad you liked it,” said Carol agreeably.

“Is the Upstart Fool Jeff here?” asked Loki.

“Unfortunately Jeff wasn’t able to make it,” said Carol.

“He took the coward’s path then,” hissed Loki. “Regrettable.” He looked over the rest of the group with a critical eye and a sigh. “The rest of you are on thin ice,” he declared imperiously. “Behave accordingly.”

“Is that a huge fucking wolf?” came Scott’s loud voice from behind the van.

Thor sighed.

\---------------- 

They made their way through the woods to the ceremonial circle with the bloodstained altar Loki had scrubbed to gleaming that morning. Loki and Thor led the group, hand in hand with eyes only for each other. Thor’s work friends followed behind, picking their way through the trail-less forest in their dress shoes. Fenris circled the party, making sure no one fell behind or wandered away from the group. All around them the shadows of the other lesser gods of the forest twisted and swam and whispered. When a human would make a particularly deft move to avoid tripping they would swarm with celebratory energy.

After about 10 minutes or so they made their way to the circle. A riot of plant growth surrounded a mossy clearing, devoid of any plant life larger than a small mushroom. The altar stood at the center of the circle, stained and ancient. Thor and Loki stood before the altar, hands clasped tightly, while the rest of the human party gradually settled in a semi-circle around them. The spirits and other minor gods settled in behind them. By mutual unspoken agreement, none of the humans looked back at the treeline.

Thor tipped his head meaningfully at Scott who took his place at the head of the altar. He pulled a small notebook from his chest pocket, opening it and reciting aloud:

“Oh, hey. Whoops, let me find my page. Okay. Welcome, Thor’s mom, everyone from work, giant wolf, various intimidating and incomprehensible spirits of the forest and air. We gather here today to celebrate and witness the union of Thor and Loki. We gather to share in the forging of the formal bond that will bind them until time unending, to witness their love and offer our support and various other sacrifices to bless their union. Have we all gathered here today, free of compulsion or thrall, of our own free will?”

After a pause for the various screams and hisses and “yeah I guess so, technically,” from the attendees, Scott continued.

“I understand that each of you has written your own vows? Thor, how about you go first before you pass out, buddy.”

Thor cleared his throat, shoulders shaking a bit but not letting go of the tight grip he had on Loki’s hand. “Loki, I want to cleave my life to yours. I take you to be no other than yourself. Loving what I know of you, trusting in what I do not yet know, I will love you and have faith in your abiding love for me through all our years, and in all that life may bring us." Thor turned to his mother and gave a shaky smile, proud he had been able to get through it without sobbing.

Scott pulled his pocket square from his pocket and mopped at his eyes, already weeping. “B-beautiful,” he cried. “Now, Loki?”

Loki set cool, unblinking green eyes on Thor’s teary ones. “Thor. You have spilled your blood in my forest twice - once, in the process of carving an offering of a crude image in my likeness, and once, when it was stolen from you against your will. If you would let my soils taste your sweet blood just once more, we will be bound together for eternity, until Fenris’ jaws devour the world and plunge us into unending night.” Fenris gave a little howl in agreement, met with a small smile from Loki. “I would walk beside you until that long night. I would devour your heart, and have you devour mine, until our shared hearts beat as one. I love you, and I would have us be bound.”

Scott had to be taken aside for a moment by Carol while he composed himself, but he was soon ready to continue.

“Have you the rings?” he asked.

Thor’s mom stepped up to his side, pulling a ring box from her pocket and handing it over to him with a little kiss on his cheek. Loki knelt down and plunged his hand into the soil, recovering Thor’s ring from the underground chamber where he had stored it earlier.

“Please place them on each other’s fingers.”

Loki held out a hand imperiously, ring finger extended. Thor took his hand gently, slipping the ring over Loki’s long finger. It fit perfectly. He bowed and placed a little kiss on the ring before standing up and holding his own hand out to Loki. Loki slipped Thor’s ring on his finger as well, kissing the hand and giving his finger a cheeky little nip to boot. 

“And now, the knives.”

Loki pulled two obsidian knives, black as night and shining, from a pocket of otherspace. He handed one to Thor, hilt first. Thor took a deep breath and held his newly-ringed hand over the altar, holding the knife above his palm, ready to cut.

“Not like that! Haven’t you done a blood sacrifice before? Cut the back of your arm so it can heal clean, don’t just go hog wild and slash at your palm. You’ll lose the use of your fingers and then where would I be?”

“But Loki, my cufflinks!”

Loki gave a beleaguered sigh and pulled off Thor’s cufflink, helping him roll up his jacket and shirt sleeve. Thor set the obsidian knife to the back of his arm and traced a shallow line that quickly began to bead with blood, soon spattering onto the altar stone below. Loki held his own arm over the altar and made a neat slice to the back of his arm, dripping ichor onto the spatters of Thor’s blood. Where their blood mingled it hissed and spat, glowing gold before disappearing into the stone as if absorbed.

Loki licked the back of his arm, resealing the wound and leaving only a small silver scar behind. He grabbed Thor’s arm as well and licked away the blood, leaving behind an equally-healed pink scar. 

“If you were going to heal it anyway why did we have to roll up my sleeve?” Thor asked.

“You have good forearms,” said Loki in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Fair enough.”

Scott snapped his little notebook closed and slipped it back into his pocket. “The rings have been exchanged and the blood has been spilt. It was witnessed by all of us here, and by the countless eyes beyond the veil. I declare you bound in matrimony by the state and by the laws of this land. You may now kiss.”

They leaned in close and gave each other a sweet kiss, dark lips pressed to pink. All of Thor’s work friends clapped and cheered, and a wave of screams and ululations rose from the crowd of spirits and gods in the shadows. The kiss deepend more and more as it went on until they were practically devouring each other, savage in their love as the claps and cheers died away.

Suddenly Thor pulled back in shock, one large hand pressed to Loki’s sharp jaw. “Did something steal one of your teeth? How dare! And on your wedding day!”

“No, beloved,” Loki responded, flushing green. “It was given freely.” He raised Thor’s ring finger to his lips, giving it another gentle kiss. Thor noticed the band of ivory and gasped, tears brimming in his eyes. “Yes,” Loki hissed in response to the unspoken question.

Thor tried to pull Loki in for a second, even deeper kiss, but before their mouths could make contact Loki grabbed him by his hair (carefully so as not to mess up the beautiful braids) and hauled him back, giving his blushing face a pleased once over. He bent slightly and picked up Thor in an effortless bridal carry, sprinting them both away and disappearing into the treeline.

The rest of Thor’s work friends stood there patiently for a few long moments as the sound of cracking branches and rustling leaves faded away. After a few more minutes of milling about, Carol finally spoke the question aloud: “Are they coming back?”

Loud, rhythmic moans began floating their way through the trees, accompanied by guttural howls and screams and the sound of more branches breaking.

“Guess not,” said Frigga decisively. “Well, let’s all go back to my house for the reception. I ordered snacks.” She turned to Fenris and gave his ruff a friendly pat. “Do you want to come to grandma’s house? I got more of those bones you like so much, sweetheart.” 

Fenris gave her a loving nuzzle, wagging his tail in agreement. He kindly led the group of slightly shell shocked humans back to the parking lot, where they all piled back into Scott’s van and headed back for the reception in silence. None of them looked back, but if they had they would have seen they were being trailed by a black wolf the size of a small horse, buoyed by joy at how happy his step-sire had made his dam, dreaming of eating delicious snacks at grandma’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they did it aaaaaaaaaaa
> 
> When I was looking for a friend for Frigga I googled "Frigga's handmaidens" and found out:  
>  _Gna (Frigga’s Handmaiden no. 12) Riding Hofvarpnir (Hoof-tosser), Gna carries Frigga’s messages through the Worlds. Since She travels between the worlds, Gna can be relied on to carry prayers to Frigga._  
>  So! I figured, she could be Frigga's gossip friend.
> 
> Just the epilogue to go!


	5. HONEYMOON

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here it is! the final chapter♡♡

Thor let out a deep broken moan as Loki thrust into him again and again, hammering that spot deep inside that made bright stars flash behind his eyes. He was liquid, he was being devoured bite by bite, he was aflame.

“Oh, husband,” Loki hissed at him, biting him savagely on the strong muscles of his neck and shoulder as he drove in. “I’ve bound us before the stars and the trees and the bright moon above. I’ve set my seal upon your heart, as you have set yours upon mine.” He bent down and pressed a burning kiss to Thor’s pectoral, leaving behind a shining silver kiss mark on the flushed skin.

“Unghhhh,” Thor added helpfully.

“You’ve trapped me, ensnared me, carved your name on my corporeal form with every mark you leave on my tattered skin.”

“HHhhg, ah, ah, ah,” Thor moaned.

“The most beautiful creature in the woods, save myself. Bewitching, captivating, and so good. So good my love. My dear heart,” Loki hissed, punching in even harder, close now.

“Lo-lokiii,” Thor managed. 

“Yes, my love?”

Thor went insensate with pleasure again, clinging to Loki’s thin shoulders and holding on for dear life.

“Oh, my love,” Loki murmured against his slack mouth, “My husband. You’re beautiful when you’re driven mad with pleasure.”

“Guh,” Thor responded, and came messily over both of them.

\---------------- 

They lay together under the canopy, nestled in the sweet soft clover. Loki gently wiped the sweat from his husband’s brow - he was so beautiful when he was lax and soft and sleepy after a good fuck. He pressed his palm to the ground and a lush strawberry plant grew around his fingers, broad leaves reaching toward the sky. In a few seconds fat, red berries blossomed and grew on the thin tendrils, filling the air with their sweet, tart scent. Loki plucked the largest berry from the plant, taking an exploratory nibble. Finding it satisfactory he pressed it to Thor’s lips.

Thor sleepily took the berry, giving a grateful rumble as the juice filled his mouth. Loki fed Thor berry by berry until the little plant was all but picked over and Thor’s mouth was red with spilt juice. Infuriating. Loki had no choice but to kiss the few remaining smears from his mouth, which led to an extended make out session. 

When both Loki and Thor’s appetites had been sated, Loki entwined himself around Thor again and again, perhaps a little more fluidly than a creature with a human skeletal system would be able to do. They napped in their sweet clover nest, kept safe under the strong branches of one of Loki’s trees.

\---------------- 

Loki raced through the dark shadows of the forest, fleeter of foot than any deer. He ran almost without sound - only the lightest shifting of leaves to mark his passage. His prey was just ahead, and would not be able to escape. He gave a quick glance to the side, catching sight of Fenris in the dark of the woods as they ran together. Fenris was almost as silent as Loki, but the soft sound of his paws hitting the ground and his breath heaving in and out would be enough to alert a very cautious target.

But their target tonight would have to be very cautious indeed to hide from Loki.

Loki came to a sudden stop. The scent trail he had been following had disappeared at the base of a large tree. Fenris could not stop in time and instead circled around to shed momentum before joining him at the tree. They both sniffed carefully, trying to find where the scent trail veered off from the circles it made around the tree. No matter how they snuffled and sniffed it kept leading them back to the tree.

Loki kneeled down and used his long forked tongue to scent the ground at the base of the tree, tracing the trail from where it suddenly veered off from the ground and led… vertically up the tree? He flicked his eyes upward but it was already too late - their prey was upon him. It leapt down from where it had been concealed in the branches above, driving him to the ground.

“I got YOU This time!!!” Thor crowed in triumph, pinning Loki to the ground with his bulk. “You should have seen the look on your face, Loki!”

Loki gave a playful growl and tried to shake him off, snapping his jaws inches from Thor’s nose. Thor laughed and held him down more firmly before leaning in for a playful nuzzle. Loki was pleased - Thor had grown much stronger and more wily in the time they had spent together in the woods. His strong, fearsome husband. They wrestled and writhed together in the fallen leaves until Fenris came over and sat on them both.

\---------------- 

Thor returned to the office that Monday. Two weeks spent dirt-smeared and constantly fucking in the woods had been a wonderful honeymoon - he had a deep tan, a few new scars, and his eyes had started to reflect the light in strange ways. He had enjoyed every moment of his time with Loki, but he could not avoid the human world forever; Loki demanded his monthly tribute of cookies.

On the way to his cubicle he passed Scott’s cube, and decided to stick his head in and thank him for watering his plant while he was gone. 

“Hey Scott -”

“Hey Thor,” Scott said, turning from his screen. “Welcome bAUGH!” he yelled, startled. “Thor, man, did your teeth? Get, more teeth? Teeth increase?”

“Not that I noticed. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for watering my plant while I was out.”

“Oh yeah, no problem. Uh, you look good! Very. Tan.”

“Thank you, it was a wonderful honeymoon,” Thor said, flushing.

“That’s great man, married life definitely suits you.”

Thor gave him a cheeky salute and headed off to his own cube. His snake plant looked wonderful - very vertical. Scott had done a great job. He hit the power button on his computer so he could log in. As he waited for it to start up, he rearranged the items on his desk to make a little more space. His “this MUG is a HUG from MOM to SON” mug, his post-it holder, and his collection of good-feeling pebbles were scooted to the left to make room for his newest addition.

He carefully pulled the diptych picture frame from his messenger bag and unwrapped the silk covering. On the left there was a picture of a beautiful black wolf, mouth half open and tongue lolling in a happy canine grin, tail a blur of motion in the background, fallen leaves stuck here and there to his fur. On the right, a picture of a seemingly empty forest. However, if you looked closely you might be able to see a dark smear behind one of the trees. The longer you looked, the more you might feel like something was looking back, that the smear was not a printing error at all, but something… different. And there at the edge of the photograph? Was that a bit of ink? Or blood?

Thor gave the little picture frame a gentle kiss before setting it up in its proper space on his desk and getting to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END  
> aaaaa thank you so much for all the wonderful feedback and appreciation you've expressed for this story!  
> This is the longest, most self-indulgent thing I've written so far, and y'all have really made it a great experience.  
> (´；ω；`)♡♡


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